Friday, 30 November 2007

A reader writes

Another rant from my good friend, antique dealer and semi professional cage fighter, Dave F has landed in my electronic mail box. Oh happy day.

I reproduce the text in it's entirety, although I must apologise to Dave for the fact that not all of his scans feature. They wouldn't open properly mate, but no matter, I think folks can get the gist of what you're saying without the pics.

Over to Mr F...

"Ok. Its over.

Well… as over as anything can be in the Marvel Universe. Hulk turned into Banner and got taken away by General Ross. All of Hulks partners in crime were rounded up, probably destined to be recycled as z-listers and eek out the rest of their comic existence playing cameos in some Marvel backwater. No-one got killed…. Hmmm… Hang on, I think Rick Jones got killed right at the end but… okay, no-one that really matters got killed, and if his services are ever needed again they’ll bring him back conveniently stating ‘he never really died’.

Oh, in case you wondered. Im off on a rant about World War Hulk of course. (what else did you expect from the Big D?)

Was it an emotional experience..? Well, yes. During the whole course of this World War Hulk business (and all its tie-ins) it’s been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. But now it's over, is it one of those fairground rides I just wanna run back to and have another go on? Nah, not really. The best written and best drawn stories no matter how masterfully told or how artistically expressed cannot withstand an anti-climax. Which is really what World War Hulk was. But saying that I think everyone knew a story like this was destined to have an anti-climax; there was no other way to tie it all up and more importantly, to tie it up in the Marvel Way.

So all I wanted to see before this inevitable anti-climax was Hulk smash as many people as possible. There’s a fantastic panel of Hulk, properly smashing a possessed Dr. Strange in the face in WWH 4. Lavly!

Halfway through the Quintology I bought Planet Hulk, the collected exploits of the Hulk in exile and of course the springboard for the World War Hulk Story.

Yes it was fun, but for all its grand scale and seeming importance, it somehow came across as a supremely pedestrian epic, much like the walk I take my dogs on, on my day off. At the end I found I didn’t really care that most of the planet was destroyed and millions had died. Much as I wouldn’t care if most of the people I met while I walked my dogs, had died.

But the most important issue addressed for me during this whole series? Can Hulk beat everyone? ‘Course he can, and ‘course he did… Amen.

My recent adventures at Forbidden Planet had me returning The Caves of Androzani.

It was a Dr Who story I heard Dom flippantly mention during our last meeting. I gotta admit as a kid I sorta lost interest after Tom Baker. It all seemed to get very colourful, very camp, and very contrived, or maybe I was just a cunt. But Dom is pure gold and has always given me dead certs. So I bought the fuckin' thing. I settled down for an evening of Whovian enjoyment and perhaps when the wife had slipped off to bed, some serious leering at Peri’s tits.

Peri's breasts

Alas & Alack, it was not meant to be. The fuckers at Forbidden Planet had overlooked their security device, which clamps the DVD case together and holds it in place. I spent minutes with carving knife and fingernail trying to get the bastard out but to no avail. I had been bested. I collapsed exhausted, but you should have seen the DVD and case... It was fucked!

With my wrath not quenched by a nights sleep, I raced to Forbidden Planet at 10.00 to wait with simpering nerds while the staff laughed at us from within. I took comfort in the fact that I could’a beaten all the nerds up had they started anything…

I gotta admit though once inside, the shop assistant was very, very helpful and even smiled when I quipped: ‘If Id had a fuckin sonic screwdriver I might have got it open…’

A rare thing from a Forbidden Planet employee as I heard a rumour that they are injected daily with a solution that stops their lips from curling into anything outwardly resembling an expression of happiness. I also finished my MODOKS 11 series. (Im surprised Dom hasn’t mentioned it being the one put me on to it). Thoroughly enjoyable romp. Essential Defenders 3 (Bargain Bucket of the comic world as Dom puts it) and the newest edition of the Marvel figurine series….Wait for it…… FUCKIN GALACTUS! EAT SHIT AND DIE SKRULLS!!

Im now buying old VHS episodes of Dr. Who at a rate of knots and recently bought those old top trump horror cards that everyone used to play at school.

Of course its all Dom's fault. BASTARD! He has turned me into a fuckin’ BODOC (Biological Organism Designed Only for Collecting). Much to the chagrin of my long suffering wife. Sausage-sucking Hun that she is."


mr wheatley said...

haha excellent stuff dave. yeah now wasnt planet hulk just like that bit after secret wars when the thing gets left on the beyonders planet..
world war hulk was a total dogs egg. yuck.. how can any of these character carry on after being so thoroughly rubbished. Guilty! Guilty!
im off back to hell boy.. now theres a comic

Anonymous said...

Gawd Bless ya!
I tell ya what though, I forgot to give the doctored final text I promised to Dom.. I such a total grimy-tit-fucka!