No More Heroes

I feel at peace with the world tonight because I did something good with my life. Yes chums, for months I'd been telling myself that I had to get around to watching the second half of the second season of Heroes, all the time knowing that doing so would mean sitting through hour upon hour of insipid, derivative bilge. Then BING! the light bulb went off in my misguided head: I didn't have to watch it! And just like that, I deleted all the unwatched episodes from my Sky + recorder. Excelsior!

There was a lot I hated about Heroes, but I think that the Peter Petrelli goes to Ireland story was the thing that finally did for me. While George Takei, Malcom MacDowell and Christopher Ecclestone were around I could just about stomach the show, without the weight they gave it, Heroes just got harder to bear with every episode. By the time we got to Ireland and were forced to watch a procession of dreadful American hams delivering a string of "begoras" and "to be sures" in the worst Irish accents ever, I was unable to cope anymore. It was time to admit that Heroes was toilet.

For a while during the first season I was quite into it. That smack addict who painted the future was pretty cool, and hey, what right thinking nerd isn't a sucker for a good old fashioned Haitian mindwipe? But to be honest I only watched as much as I did because I felt I should.

Fine, I thought, the whole thing is a big X-Men rip-off but it's alright. More importantly all those people who think I'm odd for reading comics at 36 seemed to like it a lot. Would they suddenly rush out and start buying Ex Machina? Maybe! Shit this show could save comics, in which case I owed it to the industry to like Heroes!

Whatever.

In reality I found myself telling fans of the show that if they liked Heroes they should read some of the classic superhero comics it was based on. What a dufus!

Let's face it most of the people who watch Heroes think it's a cool adult-orientated version of a genre which is really for kids. I know plenty of folk who love Heroes but think that anyone over the age of 12 who reads comics is a freak. Of course those of us in the know realise that the opposite is true. The lack of spandex and some of the other more traditional elements of superhero comics makes the show popular amongst normal folk, but it's also part of what makes it so shit. Superheroes without spandex are just watered down versions of the real thing. And that's what Heroes is: a non-nerd friendly approximation of the superhero genre.

Once I admitted that, it was easy to jack it in. And you know what? I'm glad that I'm free of it. Glad that I won't have to put up with Fat Matt and his wanky telepathy. Glad that I won't have to watch Mohinder turning into a second rate version of the Fly. Glad that I no longer have to put up with Hiro and cunting Ando bumbling about like...well...like a couple of cunts. Glad that I've seen Sylar cock his head and sneer for the last time and glad that I won't ever have to hear Clare Bennett's sharp intake of breath as she comes back from the dead yet again.

Yes chums, I've come to terms with the fact that Heroes is a terrible show which does comics no favours at all. If you want well written superhero stories full of good characters and cool ideas go read some Alan Moore. If you want superheroes on the small screen pick up the DVD of Iron Man or The Dark Knight. Don't watch Heroes, it's pish and you know it!